Hell Hath No Fury Like a Mercenary Scorned

The quality of a blog, like that of party, in the end comes down to its guests. And no, I don't mean the Leonard Cohen song. So it's with pleasure that I introduce my friend CHORI, coming to us from Juarez, the most dangerous city in the world. He'll be periodically sharing his wisdom on the full gamut of topics we intend to cover here. On this occasion he'll be discussing Carlos Tevez, the man who brought a Maradona-style mullet and (briefly) third party player ownership to the Premiership. As Benicio del Toro suggested in his most underrated role in the classic "Huevos de oro": "¡Goza!

Much has been written, blogged, exaggerated and screamed about L’affaire Tevez since the pride of El Apache dropped his landmine of a transfer request on to the Gallagher brothers’ laps last week.

Some have steered this controversy towards a showdown between Tevez’s Sensei Joorabchian and Air Cook, the former Nike Jordan Brand employee who now plies his trade in the front office of Man City. Others have focused on the fact that, fed up with Tevez’s philandering, his ex up and left beautiful Manchester and took their two daughters with her back to the magical port where even investment bankers rock mullets. I choose to direct my focus towards the fact that Tevez is, and always has been, a true mercenary.

Mercenaries tend to present a challenge for their bosses in every walk of life, especially so in the beautiful game. Greylocks Mancini thought he had nipped the past and future Tevez shitfits in the proverbial bud by ceremoniously tying the skipper’s band around Carlitos’s bulging bicep. Greylocks Mancini was mistaken, he was oh so mistaken as mercenaries are never happy until they get their next big contract and that is precisely what Tevez and his Sensei Joorabchian have been angling for this whole time. Nobody can save Greylocks Mancini at this point, not Air Cook, not anybody.

One must hand it to Sensei Joorabchian as his timing is serendipitous to say the least. By doing this now, he forces Air Cook and the rest of the Man City petroemployees to react immediately, lest they derail Man City’s fine form of late. One of two things usually happen in these times: the Mercenary gets rewarded for his petulance and signs a new and improved tax-free contract or the Mercenary gets shipped to a funner, sunnier location and signs an even fatter new and improved tax-free contract. What is to happen in this case?

Some say Real Madrid, others say Tevez retires. I find this one very difficult to call. If I were a betting man, I would bet on Tevez wearing a meringue jersey as of Jan. 31. At some point Greylocks Mancini will get fed up with Tevez and ban him from Carrington. Florentino Perez and Air Cook will then have lunch at El Asador Donostiarra and hammer out a suitable accord. Tevez will then grant an exclusive interview to whichever English speaking outlet Sensei Joorabchian tells him to. Tevez will proceed to shock the world by speaking in an unmistakable Liverpool accent. To the interviewer’s question of where he acquired his unflappable Scouse tone, Tevez will reply: “I spent a lot of time in Liverpool nightclubs with Wayne Rooney and older local ladies.”

This rant was brought to you degenerates by:
CHORI